I Love me

 What a journey it is to love yourself. 

I have had my ups and my downs, mainly downs to be honest. I was truly my biggest critic. My vile inner voice of negativity that focused on the ways I was not measuring up to my own standards of acceptability.

I have lived with a good cop bad cop duo over my shoulders. One full of reason (and excuses) and the other a crumbling mess. One saying 'you're fat and have no discipline' and the other saying 'don't give in to societal pressure, live your life!'. Neither really facing the underlaying issues of course. 

I found myself in a real rut after baby number 2, inhibited liberty and likely a prolonged state of  PPD.

Energetic me turned in to lethargic, static, HEAVY me! 

Seriously, there was a period of time, where I actually didn't recognise the eyes of the woman staring back at me. Not necessarily on the outside, but deep within my eyes. Rashida was lost and stuck in the sunken place. Literally, a shell was showing up on my behalf each day, going through the motions.

Anywhooooo, for the last 3-4 years, I have been crawling out of the abyss, a step closer towards the light that once was a faint dot. I am fighting through, edging closer and the circumference of said dot has expanded exponentially allowing light to bath me with truth and hope.

One of those steps was taking a photoshoot a month or so before turning 40. Cringe. Right in the middle of the journey, when I wasn't at my best. When I was still feeling rough and no where near where I wanted to be. I wanted to feel the fear and do it anyway. I wanted to document the journey and be authentic. 

I had a great day with a great soul. We talked about life and our respective journeys and all while I was getting my picture taken. I realised that I wasn't really comfortable or confident or relaxed and really tried to push through. I was changing on the inside, but the outside was taking longer to catch up. What I could see on the outside was a reminder of where I have been, and although I have periodically worked at doing something about the outside, it has not been successful or lasting. 

What I am learning however, is to love me through the journey. 

I don't have to beat myself up. I will look at the pictures until I find something to like. I will silence the judgy negative comments I give to myself, I will be patient with my change. I will be gentle with myself. 

I haven't wanted to share the pictures because I am not comfortable with how I look. In my head I am fit and active; a dancer, strong and toned. That is not the picture of what I see. I see the bruised, the tired, the weary me. I see someone fighting to be OK, fighting to stay righteous, fighting to not be a victim. Fighting to be a good mum, and wife, and sister, aunty and daughter. I see the person trying to hold on to reason and life. I see the person trying to find grace and love and hope and beauty in the struggle. I see someone who is desperately trying to find and walk towards the light. 

The person who sat down and took the time to unlock the shackles at her feet and hands and one by one is also putting down the heavy loads that are her not hers to carry. I see the woman who is fighting to walk into her power, who is not going to sit back and be in the shadows propelling others on. I see hope. 

I hope to one day see beauty, but I do for now see love. I accept me and I will continue on the journey without pressure. I will find the discipline and support that I need to continue and actually win. But for now, trying is enough. Showing up and doing what needs to be done is enough. Energetic me will return, I know it, but until then- we move, ever closer towards the light.

Photo credit: Will Cheng ,  will.cheng.art

Here is a little poem that I wrote in a positive moment, I hope that it inspires you to love yourself a little more....

I Love Me

Imagine…

I looked in the mirror and I loved me.

Fine, fine me.

Fluffy, fluffy me.

Smoothed skinned

Brown skinned

Bright skinned me.

Jelly bellied me

Thick thighed me

Nappy haired

Dread headed

Chubby faced me.

Flat bottomed me

Short legged me

Big boobed

Strong armed

Flexible me.

Bubbly me

Thoughtful me

Multi-talented

Multi-faceted

Jack of all trades me.

Clever me

Musical me

Nurturing, inspiring, motivating me!

Imagine…

 I looked in the mirror and I loved me!

 

By Rashida Makeda